The Lesson in Deaths and Goodbyes

Death - Foxglove Tarot.jpg

After walking away from the people I loved recently, I’m starting to get better in dealing with goodbyes.

I started having abandonment issues since I was little. And ever since I could remember, I always felt like I was a victim. I would either blame myself or the people who left me for the pain that I felt.

But you know what, the recent lesson from my last goodbye has taught me that there’s more to it than finding out whose fault it is.


If there’s a “hello,” there’s always a “goodbye.”

Goodbyes are devastating. Losing anyone is always a painful process that we had to go through in any relationship, no matter how bad the relationship was.

Whenever you’re about to open your heart for someone new, you have to be prepared to leave them someday. All relationship is finite. When a life is created, that same life will eventually decease. When a relationship blooms, that once sweet, endearing feeling, will soon ebb away. Where there’s creation, there is death.

Sometimes it’s a metaphorical death, sometimes it’s literal.

But by understanding this cycle of life and death, it is not the pain of goodbye that we need to focus our energy on.

The limited time we have with our loved ones should be spent cherishing each other’s company; by being in the present moment, relishing every second we have together instead.

This is what I’m learning to live with currently. Since my first trip to India, I’ve been traveling since June 2018 (that’s about 5 months now). I’ve been meeting new people, and eventually, saying goodbye to them because my feet are taking me someplace new. I’ve also been experiencing too many heartbreaks in the past 5 months alone.

It was exhausting at first. And until now, my heart is still trying to make sense of it. But after a while, I realized that there’s no point focusing in goodbye. I’m traveling solo for a year. Goodbyes are bound to happen at least once a month. And it is precisely the secret ingredient that makes every “hello" special.

Remember the good times?

After a while, I’m starting to treat goodbyes like how I dealt my grandpa’s death.

Tell me, have you ever lost a loved one?

If you have, you would have known that there are two ways to remember the deceased. You would either go on a guilt trip, blaming yourself for not spending enough time with them, or you would remember their kindness or the way the deceased touched your heart.

So, why can’t we treat a goodbye, a break-up, or a departure, the same way we treat our deceased loved ones?

I meant, the latter. Because blaming yourself is an easy way out.

Instead of spending our energy remembering the chaos your loved one brought, or the pain of not being able to see them again, we can be grateful that the relationship was once there.

That happiness was real, the love was real. Everything from the smile on your face to the butterfly in your tummy was just as real as you’ve experienced it. Their departure was just a reminder that they no longer in a position to give you those memories anymore.

And now, it’s time for you (and I) to create another loving memory with someone else. It’s time to say goodbye to the pain and the longing, and give your heart the clean slate it deserves.

Good luck, loves. ❤️


Foxglove Tarot.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a nomadic tarot reader, Reiki Master, and an eclectic witch, providing online tarot reading and healing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

Three Energies in A Relationship

Three Energies in A Relationship - Foxglove Tarot.jpg

Yesterday, I learned from my guru that us as human beings possess 3 different energies that we use in our daily life. These energies; Sexual, Love, and Awareness, mainly help us in navigating our relationship with another human being. Some relationships start with Sexual energy and some with Awareness, depending on the energy that you're using around them for the first time.

And when I first learned about it, I immediately tried to pinpoint the energy that I’ve been using in my everyday life. I’ve noticed that my energy level no longer stays in the Sexual Energy gate. I also felt that it has bypassed Love Energy as well. So, could it be the Awareness Energy that I’ve been using all along? I hope I'm able to decode this before my next class tomorrow.

Speaking of Awareness Energy, around one month ago I just broke up with my long-term partner after realizing that we were no longer walking the same path. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him anymore. My heart will still always be with him, whenever he needs me. But he needs to be by himself because our strong love has caused us to lose our individuality. We practically fused into one person, with an addition of an intense fear of detachment. But the longer we're together, the more I truly believe that loving him does not equate to owning him at the same time. At least that’s what I got when I used my Awareness Energy around him. But I’m sure he’s not the only person that I feel that with.

Luckily, I’m in a polyamorous relationship, which means that I have other lovers that I can analyze as prime examples for this homework. Bear with me, because this is my Virgo Mercury talking.

I’m currently in a relationship with two men while having an on and off affair with a third one.

The relationship with the latter one is filled only with sexual energy, I can definitely confirm that. It is always fun spending some time with him, but yesterday I finally realized that it is pretty challenging to bump this relationship into something serious. He said that he loved me a couple of days ago, but my reaction was mere, “Huh, okay.” My heart does not beat for him, which means it’s a caution for me to stop hoping for something more.

My two partners, on the other hand, started off the right way.

With my French lover, everything began with a beautiful friendship. We started off by having so much respect and care for each other as friends before we decided to escalate it into something sexual. Although, sadly, we only realized how much we love each other around 2 days before he left to his home country, never to come back at least for the next few years. But despite the distance and time differences, our relationship is getting stronger than ever.

With my Australian lover, on the other hand, I can feel our relationship declining rapidly. This lover of mine, by some odd chance, is also my twin flame. Our relationship may have started through Awareness, followed by Love, and finally ended up in a fireworks-like Sexual Energy. But I couldn’t help to feel that I’ve lost my sexual attraction and love for him. Is it possible to decline the Love energy that you're using to a mere Awareness for someone you love? I can feel myself keeping the relationship just because it makes sense to, although my heart has apparently walked away from the feeling since a few months back.

I don’t know the answer. But I am considering to break up with my Australian lover sometime today.

But honestly, though, analyzing these relationships exhausted me so much yesterday. A part of me feels like, “Have I made a mistake?” “Is it my fault that I started this relationship the wrong way?” Another question that I have in my head also goes like “But what if you’ve done everything right, and it’s still not working out? What should you do?” On the downside, it also made me feel like I should just cut off some of the relationships that will never reach the Awareness level.

It’s true what my tarot cards were telling me yesterday. This journey to India is a path of self-mastery. And this path of self-mastery is a lonely path indeed.

UPDATE as per 10/10/18: This post was written back in 30th June 2018. Now, I broke up with all three during my voyage to India, and I got back together with my long-term partner instead. 🙈


This post was written as a part of my Reiki Master Training in Rishikesh series.

Read my other posts below:

  1. Part 1 - Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

  2. Part 2 - Three Energies in a Relationship


Foxglove+Tarot+Bali+-+Tarot+Reading+in+Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a nomadic tarot reader, Reiki Master, and an eclectic witch, providing online tarot reading and healing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible - Foxglove Tarot Bali

 

Today, I’m allowing myself to feel sadness and pain. I have consciously chosen to release my feelings through tears so I can feel better tomorrow.

During my Reiki master training, my teacher told me that my heart is keeping too much suffering inside. He said, there is a lot of emotion that I haven’t released, and some are the emotions that I have chosen to cling on.

“Why holding onto the past? Why not release it?” he asked, with his thick Indian accent.

I honestly don’t know the answer to his question. Or maybe deep down I know, but I just chose to be unconscious about it.

But his question has made me think about myself and how my emotion works. He said, I haven’t been completely honest about how I feel, and that’s the reason why there are so much suffering persists. I have been pretending that everything’s okay, even though it really isn’t. I have been smiling, and happily articulating how I feel, without taking some time to explore or release the emotion itself.

And today, I finally got the big slap that forces me to sit down and feel the feels.

I’ve been traveling around Rishikesh with this new friend of mine that I met at the first hostel where I stayed. It was a beautiful travel friendship, and I’m grateful to have the Universe arranged a strange meet-up with him. (It's a cute story, but that's for another day). We hung out around the cafes near the Ganges ghats, went to see the abandoned ashram where The Beatles stayed during the 60s, and he showed me several things that I need to note down during my trip to India.

I was with him for about two nights, and we were supposed to share a room tonight. But I went to the hotel today only to be served a goodbye letter from him that’s basically telling me that he’s leaving me to find himself during his last few days in India. And his goodbye triggered something in me.

I felt crushed, abandoned, and most of all, alone.

I know I came to Rishikesh to be alone, but consciously, I’ve been trying to avoid it by trying to get busy and meet new people along the way. I’ve been here for almost a week now, but I haven’t really let go of myself or do whatever mission that I came here to do.

And now, the Universe has coerced me to face my fears heads on.

If you ask me how I’m feeling right now, I can safely say that I’m not mad at my friend. Hurt, yes, but not angry. He needs to do what he has to do, and I respect him for it. In fact, it’s a blessing in disguise since I finally get the alone time that I needed. But I couldn’t help to feel wholly devastated over it.

Soon enough, I realized that this isn’t about my friend or him leaving me. I know he wasn’t malicious, and he explicitly said that he isn’t worth getting upset for. But alas, just like everything in this world, the people that you encounter are usually the mirror of yourself. And what he did trigger my fear of abandonment and goodbyes; which fear is buried deep within my subconscious, if not, something that my inner child is still holding onto.

Today, I realized how I’m still not okay with it.

All my life, I’ve grown up blaming myself for everyone who leaves me. I’m terrified of goodbyes and abandonment, naturally because my dad neglected me. At home, my grandparents were always busy working, leaving me to navigate life by myself. And at school, almost every friend I made will end up bullying me or leaving me for a better friend. It made me grew up thinking I am unworthy of love. And it just always makes sense whenever my friends, lovers, or family members decide to walk away from me.

To compensate for the void, I always end up searching for that father figure, or at least a temporary love to fill in my adult life. I have thrown myself into almost all kinds of men and relationship in my journey of finding love.

But as much as I hate to admit it, I know that whatever happened has helped to set off a course of my work and my life purpose today.

I know how it feels to be devoid of unconditional love, so I have made it my mission to make everyone who is close to me feels as loved as possible. But, I may have forced myself to give so much while I’m still depleted of it.

And today is the day for me to honor that void, to admit that I’m still not as strong as I thought I was and that it’s okay to feel that way.

Just for a day, it’s okay for me to feel sad about my friend’s goodbye, regardless of how insignificant it may seem. It’s okay for me to feel the emotion and the memories of the past it triggered. All I need to do right now is sit down, cry, and be honest about how I feel.

Because our emotion works in a strange way. Sometimes it would set itself ablaze with passion, and sometimes it numbs you, leaving you alone in confusion. It doesn’t have a reason or a basis to operate. The best thing you can do is to feel it, not justify it. Release it, not hold it. And believe it or not, sometimes it’s best to choose suffering over a smile. At least for today. 😊

 


This post was written as a part of my Reiki Master Training in Rishikesh series.

Read my other posts below:

  1. Part 1 - Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

  2. Part 2 - Three Energies in a Relationship


Foxglove Tarot Bali - Tarot Reading in Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

Why I Chose Polyamory and How It Changes My Love Life

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What if I tell you that by changing your perception of love, you too will change your views about life and relationship?

I don't know if you remember this, but in my post a few months ago, I did open up about my revelation as a pansexual. But what I didn't tell you, was the events that lead up to that.

Around three months ago, I had the privilege to meet this wonderful man, who did not only teach me how to love differently, but he also becomes a significant figure in my life. He's my twin flame, my soul compadre, and eventually, my secondary partner.

Ever since I met him, my eyes are opened up to the possibility of polyamory. Unlike polygamy, which is probably much more familiar to a lot of Indonesians, polyamory is a practice of having more than one committed partner or multiple people to love.

I do have to admit, that when I first heard the sound of it, I'm very skeptical as to how it could work for me. I was in a monogamous 3,5 years relationship with my boyfriend, and I couldn't imagine sharing myself or him with anyone else. Just the thought of him flirting with someone else hurts me, let alone allowing him to have a second girlfriend. I already know how it's going to make me feel. I will feel jealous, insecure, inadequate, and pretty much every negative feeling that you'll feel when your partner decides to cheat on you.

But I was intrigued. Not because of the number of lovers that you can have, but because of the realization that my boyfriend would only ever be intimate with me the moment we decided to tie the knot. (yes we planned to) I've wanted him to explore his options before he even proposed to me so I could keep his eyes from wandering around once I can officially call him mine.

I guess that decision was partially half of a selfless thought and half of my insecurities talking.

And so, when I heard about this other option, I figured, "Why not?"

Little did I know that after my boyfriend and I decided to commit to this new set of relationship, the way I view love has significantly changed ever since.

Being polyamorous has opened up my ability to love more than one person without judgment, nor the feeling of ownership or control over others

I used to think that it isn't possible to share your heart and love equally, but apparently, we are just too accustomed to the normalcy of monogamy that we didn't even see this as another option. As humans, we are multifaceted. There is no way we can be satisfied in loving and receiving love from just one partner for our entire life. And as someone who has been in several long-term monogamous relationships, I can totally relate to this. I have to admit, that even though I've always loved one partner at a time, I couldn't help but to have a crush for another guy at least once in every relationship. (raise your hands if you know what I'm talking about 🙋🏻)

It forces me to be more honest about my feelings too; not just to others, but to myself as well.

When you're dating more than one person, you'll have to juggle the feeling, schedule, boundaries, and the do's and the don'ts of your partners and yourself. If any of you feel unhappy or uncomfortable with something, you'll have to communicate it as soon as possible, or it will affect your other relationship (or perhaps your partner's second or third relationship). Sounds complicated, eh? Haha.

Well, if you think trying to communicate with one partner is tricky, try getting two partners to be on the same page lol.

However, despite all the good stuff that I've written here, I'm not saying that polyamory is the best option for everyone. It's not a cure-all medicine for the lack of intimacy of your relationship. In fact, if your relationship is already ridden with lies and lack of communication, opening it up for polyamory will only make it worse. Instead of increasing intimacy, polyamory will force you to deal with the emotion or issues that you two have been sweeping under the rug.

Because the path of polyamory requires a certain level of emotional maturity to resolve your insecurities. It faces you with your deepest darkest fear about your relationship.

What is it that you're afraid of if your partner is attracted to another woman? Are you worried that she will take away your partner's attention? Are you concerned that your partner will love her more than you? Or does the image of them being intimate with one another can trigger a hidden trauma of yours?

These are the bitter truth that needs to be communicated at all times in a polyamorous relationship.

It sounds difficult, isn't it?

But I can tell you that once you get the hang of it, being polyamorous can be quite liberating. I have stopped limiting myself from the amount of love that I can give or receive to and from others. My objective of loving someone is no longer limited to whether I can have a relationship with them anymore. I can fall in love romantically with a guy that I will probably never get to see again until next year. But at the same time, I'm free to fall in love with a good friend of mine as well.

I don’t have to worry about putting all of my expectation to just one person and pausing my heart from loving someone because a committed relationship isn’t likely to happen between us.

It takes a lot of practice to stay in a constant state of love. But above all, it should start by being honest with yourself. Get this, the more I know how to deal with how I feel, the easier it is for me to focus on the feeling of love, not obsession or possessiveness. And honestly, we could never control anyone we love anyway because we never own them in the first place.

But if you ask me, "Do you want to be a poly forever?" My answer is, I don't know. As of now, I'm just enjoying this ride of romance in relationships. Maybe I'll go back to being monogamous at one point in my life. Or maybe never, who knows?

All I know for now is that the only thing I want is to fall in love and be in the present for it. Over and over again. Just giving my all, one lover at a time.


Foxglove Tarot Bali - Tarot Reading in Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

New Moon in Scorpio 2017 Tarot Spread (and what it means for me!)

I love how every New Moon feels like a reset button for me. It’s like, I’m allowed to make another wish, ask for another manifestation, and I’m allowed to make a different one every time. But during the New Moon in Scorpio, that’s coming up this November 18th, 2017, I feel like I’ve been tangled in work so much that I didn’t catch the important signs that usually pop up a few days beforehand.

Thankfully, Ethony came up with this New Moon in Scorpio tarot spread that helps me to decode the things that I need transforming the most this month. Here’s what the cards have to say about it.

 Pagan Otherworlds Tarot by  Uusi

Pagan Otherworlds Tarot by Uusi

 Silver Astrolocket Scorpio Necklace (www.covencurio.com)

Silver Astrolocket Scorpio Necklace (www.covencurio.com)

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1. What needs transforming at this time? - The Fool

“Spontaneity."

It’s true. I haven’t been really spontaneous lately because I’m so caught up in my work. I’m currently releasing new designs for my jewelry line and I am nothing but spontaneous. As a Mercury and Venus in Virgo person, (and a Libra Sun!) I always tend to create rules to limit my own creativity because I always worry about things. “What if it doesn’t sell?” “What if people hate it?” The card is right. I should stop being so rigid and be more fluid instead.

 

New Moon in Scorpio Tarot Spread - Justice

2. What do I need to let go of? - Justice

“Perfectionism."

As a designer, I have to admit that my perfectionist nature is a double-edged sword that I DEFINITELY need to let go once in a while. Every time I create a new design, I want it to be so refined that I wouldn’t mind revising it over and over again – sometimes at the expense of others.

This card also tells me to tone down the feeling that tells me that I can juggle everything at once. My perfectionist trait definitely doesn’t sit well with my bipolar illness. I need to stop chasing perfection that makes me push myself to be in charge of everything. I should start listening to others and delegating my work to keep my head depression-free.

 

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3. How can I best cultivate inner peace? - Five of Pentacles

"Having a sense of completion."

"Everything comes full circle when you allow it.”

I heard this phrase in my head as I open this card. It means two things to me.

The first one is that the Universe will always have a big plan for me. Everything will turn full circle eventually. What has started will become completed. And all I need to do is trust in the path.

And the second is, I shouldn’t keep adding more tasks to my workload. I need to relax more and enjoy the fruit of my hard work. I need to feel more relieved when I completed a task, instead of checking my to-do list and worrying about the incomplete ones.

Raise your hands if you’re just as guilty as me. 😭

 

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4. How can I best heal old pain? - Seven of Swords

"Understanding that sometimes you just gotta wing it."

This is so true. There were cases when I and my boyfriend actually got the best deal or having the best time when we’re improvising. Sometimes we would make plans on what to do on our special day (birthday, a day off, etc.) but the more we plan it, the more ruined it will be. We will have a plan of where to go, for sure, but maybe only in one place in that one full day and keep the rest unplanned. It has been proven so many times, that now we always decide to just wing it.

I guess that’s the same thing for my work. Keeping my options open for possibilities is definitely the best way to stop my perfectionism from ruining my work progress.

 

5. What do my guides want to tell me going into this moon cycle? - Seven of Pentacles

"Perfection is what you make it."

I want to tell you a story about how this phrase currently resonates with me.

Ironically, the deck that I’m using to read this, Pagan Otherworlds Tarot, is incomplete. I’ve received this deck since the 6th of November, but I haven’t yet used it until two days ago. That’s when I realized that the Death card is missing from the deck. I’ve tried tracing the two places where I’ve used the deck (my room and a cafe), and there’s been no recollection of me ever seeing this card in person at all. My intuition tells me that the card might have never existed inside the box in the first place.

I was anxious, of course. And I even thought about selling this card and get a new one. But honestly, I think missing the card is probably the most important lesson that I get on this New Moon in Scorpio. Scorpio is a sign of death and transformation. And the card that’s missing is the Death card. Isn’t that weird?

An incomplete tarot deck is probably the best way to teach me to make the bestest perfect situation out of imperfection.

 

In summary, I feel more clear-headed after doing this reading. I feel that moving ahead, I understand that perfection is good, but I can only achieve true perfection if I allow myself to feel satisfied with my own work despite all the imperfection. I realized now, that actually, I’ve had some amazing jewelry design that I made by accident (because I’m bored) or because some craftsmen decided to improvise. It’s important for me to realize that I can’t always control my work outcome and that it’s always best for me to just trust the Universe and its divine process.

 

If you’re interested to try out this spread, tag me @foxglovetarot and @ethony on Instagram with the hashtag #NewMoonScorpioTarot. I’d like to see how this spread helps you to identify your trait that needs transforming. Thanks for reading, and hope you have a blessed New Moon in Scorpio!


Foxglove Tarot Bali - Tarot Reader in Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.