Yesterday, I learned from my guru that us as human beings possess 3 different energies that we use in our daily life. These energies; Sexual, Love, and Awareness, mainly help us in navigating our relationship with another human being. Some relationships start with Sexual energy and some with Awareness, depending on the energy that you're using around them for the first time.
And when I first learned about it, I immediately tried to pinpoint the energy that I’ve been using in my everyday life. I’ve noticed that my energy level no longer stays in the Sexual Energy gate. I also felt that it has bypassed Love Energy as well. So, could it be the Awareness Energy that I’ve been using all along? I hope I'm able to decode this before my next class tomorrow.
Speaking of Awareness Energy, around one month ago I just broke up with my long-term partner after realizing that we were no longer walking the same path. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him anymore. My heart will still always be with him, whenever he needs me. But he needs to be by himself because our strong love has caused us to lose our individuality. We practically fused into one person, with an addition of an intense fear of detachment. But the longer we're together, the more I truly believe that loving him does not equate to owning him at the same time. At least that’s what I got when I used my Awareness Energy around him. But I’m sure he’s not the only person that I feel that with.
Luckily, I’m in a polyamorous relationship, which means that I have other lovers that I can analyze as prime examples for this homework. Bear with me, because this is my Virgo Mercury talking.
I’m currently in a relationship with two men while having an on and off affair with a third one.
The relationship with the latter one is filled only with sexual energy, I can definitely confirm that. It is always fun spending some time with him, but yesterday I finally realized that it is pretty challenging to bump this relationship into something serious. He said that he loved me a couple of days ago, but my reaction was mere, “Huh, okay.” My heart does not beat for him, which means it’s a caution for me to stop hoping for something more.
My two partners, on the other hand, started off the right way.
With my French lover, everything began with a beautiful friendship. We started off by having so much respect and care for each other as friends before we decided to escalate it into something sexual. Although, sadly, we only realized how much we love each other around 2 days before he left to his home country, never to come back at least for the next few years. But despite the distance and time differences, our relationship is getting stronger than ever.
With my Australian lover, on the other hand, I can feel our relationship declining rapidly. This lover of mine, by some odd chance, is also my twin flame. Our relationship may have started through Awareness, followed by Love, and finally ended up in a fireworks-like Sexual Energy. But I couldn’t help to feel that I’ve lost my sexual attraction and love for him. Is it possible to decline the Love energy that you're using to a mere Awareness for someone you love? I can feel myself keeping the relationship just because it makes sense to, although my heart has apparently walked away from the feeling since a few months back.
I don’t know the answer. But I am considering to break up with my Australian lover sometime today.
But honestly, though, analyzing these relationships exhausted me so much yesterday. A part of me feels like, “Have I made a mistake?” “Is it my fault that I started this relationship the wrong way?” Another question that I have in my head also goes like “But what if you’ve done everything right, and it’s still not working out? What should you do?” On the downside, it also made me feel like I should just cut off some of the relationships that will never reach the Awareness level.
It’s true what my tarot cards were telling me yesterday. This journey to India is a path of self-mastery. And this path of self-mastery is a lonely path indeed.
UPDATE as per 10/10/18: This post was written back in 30th June 2018. Now, I broke up with all three during my voyage to India, and I got back together with my long-term partner instead. 🙈
Hello, I'm Canti!
I am a nomadic tarot reader, Reiki Master, and an eclectic witch, providing online tarot reading and healing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.