2018

Three Energies in A Relationship

Three Energies in A Relationship - Foxglove Tarot.jpg

Yesterday, I learned from my guru that us as human beings possess 3 different energies that we use in our daily life. These energies; Sexual, Love, and Awareness, mainly help us in navigating our relationship with another human being. Some relationships start with Sexual energy and some with Awareness, depending on the energy that you're using around them for the first time.

And when I first learned about it, I immediately tried to pinpoint the energy that I’ve been using in my everyday life. I’ve noticed that my energy level no longer stays in the Sexual Energy gate. I also felt that it has bypassed Love Energy as well. So, could it be the Awareness Energy that I’ve been using all along? I hope I'm able to decode this before my next class tomorrow.

Speaking of Awareness Energy, around one month ago I just broke up with my long-term partner after realizing that we were no longer walking the same path. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him anymore. My heart will still always be with him, whenever he needs me. But he needs to be by himself because our strong love has caused us to lose our individuality. We practically fused into one person, with an addition of an intense fear of detachment. But the longer we're together, the more I truly believe that loving him does not equate to owning him at the same time. At least that’s what I got when I used my Awareness Energy around him. But I’m sure he’s not the only person that I feel that with.

Luckily, I’m in a polyamorous relationship, which means that I have other lovers that I can analyze as prime examples for this homework. Bear with me, because this is my Virgo Mercury talking.

I’m currently in a relationship with two men while having an on and off affair with a third one.

The relationship with the latter one is filled only with sexual energy, I can definitely confirm that. It is always fun spending some time with him, but yesterday I finally realized that it is pretty challenging to bump this relationship into something serious. He said that he loved me a couple of days ago, but my reaction was mere, “Huh, okay.” My heart does not beat for him, which means it’s a caution for me to stop hoping for something more.

My two partners, on the other hand, started off the right way.

With my French lover, everything began with a beautiful friendship. We started off by having so much respect and care for each other as friends before we decided to escalate it into something sexual. Although, sadly, we only realized how much we love each other around 2 days before he left to his home country, never to come back at least for the next few years. But despite the distance and time differences, our relationship is getting stronger than ever.

With my Australian lover, on the other hand, I can feel our relationship declining rapidly. This lover of mine, by some odd chance, is also my twin flame. Our relationship may have started through Awareness, followed by Love, and finally ended up in a fireworks-like Sexual Energy. But I couldn’t help to feel that I’ve lost my sexual attraction and love for him. Is it possible to decline the Love energy that you're using to a mere Awareness for someone you love? I can feel myself keeping the relationship just because it makes sense to, although my heart has apparently walked away from the feeling since a few months back.

I don’t know the answer. But I am considering to break up with my Australian lover sometime today.

But honestly, though, analyzing these relationships exhausted me so much yesterday. A part of me feels like, “Have I made a mistake?” “Is it my fault that I started this relationship the wrong way?” Another question that I have in my head also goes like “But what if you’ve done everything right, and it’s still not working out? What should you do?” On the downside, it also made me feel like I should just cut off some of the relationships that will never reach the Awareness level.

It’s true what my tarot cards were telling me yesterday. This journey to India is a path of self-mastery. And this path of self-mastery is a lonely path indeed.

UPDATE as per 10/10/18: This post was written back in 30th June 2018. Now, I broke up with all three during my voyage to India, and I got back together with my long-term partner instead. 🙈


This post was written as a part of my Reiki Master Training in Rishikesh series.

Read my other posts below:

  1. Part 1 - Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

  2. Part 2 - Three Energies in a Relationship


Foxglove+Tarot+Bali+-+Tarot+Reading+in+Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a nomadic tarot reader, Reiki Master, and an eclectic witch, providing online tarot reading and healing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible - Foxglove Tarot Bali

 

Today, I’m allowing myself to feel sadness and pain. I have consciously chosen to release my feelings through tears so I can feel better tomorrow.

During my Reiki master training, my teacher told me that my heart is keeping too much suffering inside. He said, there is a lot of emotion that I haven’t released, and some are the emotions that I have chosen to cling on.

“Why holding onto the past? Why not release it?” he asked, with his thick Indian accent.

I honestly don’t know the answer to his question. Or maybe deep down I know, but I just chose to be unconscious about it.

But his question has made me think about myself and how my emotion works. He said, I haven’t been completely honest about how I feel, and that’s the reason why there are so much suffering persists. I have been pretending that everything’s okay, even though it really isn’t. I have been smiling, and happily articulating how I feel, without taking some time to explore or release the emotion itself.

And today, I finally got the big slap that forces me to sit down and feel the feels.

I’ve been traveling around Rishikesh with this new friend of mine that I met at the first hostel where I stayed. It was a beautiful travel friendship, and I’m grateful to have the Universe arranged a strange meet-up with him. (It's a cute story, but that's for another day). We hung out around the cafes near the Ganges ghats, went to see the abandoned ashram where The Beatles stayed during the 60s, and he showed me several things that I need to note down during my trip to India.

I was with him for about two nights, and we were supposed to share a room tonight. But I went to the hotel today only to be served a goodbye letter from him that’s basically telling me that he’s leaving me to find himself during his last few days in India. And his goodbye triggered something in me.

I felt crushed, abandoned, and most of all, alone.

I know I came to Rishikesh to be alone, but consciously, I’ve been trying to avoid it by trying to get busy and meet new people along the way. I’ve been here for almost a week now, but I haven’t really let go of myself or do whatever mission that I came here to do.

And now, the Universe has coerced me to face my fears heads on.

If you ask me how I’m feeling right now, I can safely say that I’m not mad at my friend. Hurt, yes, but not angry. He needs to do what he has to do, and I respect him for it. In fact, it’s a blessing in disguise since I finally get the alone time that I needed. But I couldn’t help to feel wholly devastated over it.

Soon enough, I realized that this isn’t about my friend or him leaving me. I know he wasn’t malicious, and he explicitly said that he isn’t worth getting upset for. But alas, just like everything in this world, the people that you encounter are usually the mirror of yourself. And what he did trigger my fear of abandonment and goodbyes; which fear is buried deep within my subconscious, if not, something that my inner child is still holding onto.

Today, I realized how I’m still not okay with it.

All my life, I’ve grown up blaming myself for everyone who leaves me. I’m terrified of goodbyes and abandonment, naturally because my dad neglected me. At home, my grandparents were always busy working, leaving me to navigate life by myself. And at school, almost every friend I made will end up bullying me or leaving me for a better friend. It made me grew up thinking I am unworthy of love. And it just always makes sense whenever my friends, lovers, or family members decide to walk away from me.

To compensate for the void, I always end up searching for that father figure, or at least a temporary love to fill in my adult life. I have thrown myself into almost all kinds of men and relationship in my journey of finding love.

But as much as I hate to admit it, I know that whatever happened has helped to set off a course of my work and my life purpose today.

I know how it feels to be devoid of unconditional love, so I have made it my mission to make everyone who is close to me feels as loved as possible. But, I may have forced myself to give so much while I’m still depleted of it.

And today is the day for me to honor that void, to admit that I’m still not as strong as I thought I was and that it’s okay to feel that way.

Just for a day, it’s okay for me to feel sad about my friend’s goodbye, regardless of how insignificant it may seem. It’s okay for me to feel the emotion and the memories of the past it triggered. All I need to do right now is sit down, cry, and be honest about how I feel.

Because our emotion works in a strange way. Sometimes it would set itself ablaze with passion, and sometimes it numbs you, leaving you alone in confusion. It doesn’t have a reason or a basis to operate. The best thing you can do is to feel it, not justify it. Release it, not hold it. And believe it or not, sometimes it’s best to choose suffering over a smile. At least for today. 😊

 


This post was written as a part of my Reiki Master Training in Rishikesh series.

Read my other posts below:

  1. Part 1 - Choose The Pain, Whenever Possible

  2. Part 2 - Three Energies in a Relationship


Foxglove Tarot Bali - Tarot Reading in Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

Why I Chose Polyamory and How It Changes My Love Life

The-Lovers---Foxglove-Tarot-Bali---web.jpg

What if I tell you that by changing your perception of love, you too will change your views about life and relationship?

I don't know if you remember this, but in my post a few months ago, I did open up about my revelation as a pansexual. But what I didn't tell you, was the events that lead up to that.

Around three months ago, I had the privilege to meet this wonderful man, who did not only teach me how to love differently, but he also becomes a significant figure in my life. He's my twin flame, my soul compadre, and eventually, my secondary partner.

Ever since I met him, my eyes are opened up to the possibility of polyamory. Unlike polygamy, which is probably much more familiar to a lot of Indonesians, polyamory is a practice of having more than one committed partner or multiple people to love.

I do have to admit, that when I first heard the sound of it, I'm very skeptical as to how it could work for me. I was in a monogamous 3,5 years relationship with my boyfriend, and I couldn't imagine sharing myself or him with anyone else. Just the thought of him flirting with someone else hurts me, let alone allowing him to have a second girlfriend. I already know how it's going to make me feel. I will feel jealous, insecure, inadequate, and pretty much every negative feeling that you'll feel when your partner decides to cheat on you.

But I was intrigued. Not because of the number of lovers that you can have, but because of the realization that my boyfriend would only ever be intimate with me the moment we decided to tie the knot. (yes we planned to) I've wanted him to explore his options before he even proposed to me so I could keep his eyes from wandering around once I can officially call him mine.

I guess that decision was partially half of a selfless thought and half of my insecurities talking.

And so, when I heard about this other option, I figured, "Why not?"

Little did I know that after my boyfriend and I decided to commit to this new set of relationship, the way I view love has significantly changed ever since.

Being polyamorous has opened up my ability to love more than one person without judgment, nor the feeling of ownership or control over others

I used to think that it isn't possible to share your heart and love equally, but apparently, we are just too accustomed to the normalcy of monogamy that we didn't even see this as another option. As humans, we are multifaceted. There is no way we can be satisfied in loving and receiving love from just one partner for our entire life. And as someone who has been in several long-term monogamous relationships, I can totally relate to this. I have to admit, that even though I've always loved one partner at a time, I couldn't help but to have a crush for another guy at least once in every relationship. (raise your hands if you know what I'm talking about 🙋🏻)

It forces me to be more honest about my feelings too; not just to others, but to myself as well.

When you're dating more than one person, you'll have to juggle the feeling, schedule, boundaries, and the do's and the don'ts of your partners and yourself. If any of you feel unhappy or uncomfortable with something, you'll have to communicate it as soon as possible, or it will affect your other relationship (or perhaps your partner's second or third relationship). Sounds complicated, eh? Haha.

Well, if you think trying to communicate with one partner is tricky, try getting two partners to be on the same page lol.

However, despite all the good stuff that I've written here, I'm not saying that polyamory is the best option for everyone. It's not a cure-all medicine for the lack of intimacy of your relationship. In fact, if your relationship is already ridden with lies and lack of communication, opening it up for polyamory will only make it worse. Instead of increasing intimacy, polyamory will force you to deal with the emotion or issues that you two have been sweeping under the rug.

Because the path of polyamory requires a certain level of emotional maturity to resolve your insecurities. It faces you with your deepest darkest fear about your relationship.

What is it that you're afraid of if your partner is attracted to another woman? Are you worried that she will take away your partner's attention? Are you concerned that your partner will love her more than you? Or does the image of them being intimate with one another can trigger a hidden trauma of yours?

These are the bitter truth that needs to be communicated at all times in a polyamorous relationship.

It sounds difficult, isn't it?

But I can tell you that once you get the hang of it, being polyamorous can be quite liberating. I have stopped limiting myself from the amount of love that I can give or receive to and from others. My objective of loving someone is no longer limited to whether I can have a relationship with them anymore. I can fall in love romantically with a guy that I will probably never get to see again until next year. But at the same time, I'm free to fall in love with a good friend of mine as well.

I don’t have to worry about putting all of my expectation to just one person and pausing my heart from loving someone because a committed relationship isn’t likely to happen between us.

It takes a lot of practice to stay in a constant state of love. But above all, it should start by being honest with yourself. Get this, the more I know how to deal with how I feel, the easier it is for me to focus on the feeling of love, not obsession or possessiveness. And honestly, we could never control anyone we love anyway because we never own them in the first place.

But if you ask me, "Do you want to be a poly forever?" My answer is, I don't know. As of now, I'm just enjoying this ride of romance in relationships. Maybe I'll go back to being monogamous at one point in my life. Or maybe never, who knows?

All I know for now is that the only thing I want is to fall in love and be in the present for it. Over and over again. Just giving my all, one lover at a time.


Foxglove Tarot Bali - Tarot Reading in Bali.jpeg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.