Why I Chose Polyamory and How It Changes My Love Life

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What if I tell you that by changing your perception of love, you too will change your views about life and relationship?

I don't know if you remember this, but in my post a few months ago, I did open up about my revelation as a pansexual. But what I didn't tell you, was the events that lead up to that.

Around three months ago, I had the privilege to meet this wonderful man, who did not only teach me how to love differently, but he also becomes a significant figure in my life. He's my twin flame, my soul compadre, and eventually, my secondary partner.

Ever since I met him, my eyes are opened up to the possibility of polyamory. Unlike polygamy, which is probably much more familiar to a lot of Indonesians, polyamory is a practice of having more than one committed partner or multiple people to love.

I do have to admit, that when I first heard the sound of it, I'm very skeptical as to how it could work for me. I was in a monogamous 3,5 years relationship with my boyfriend, and I couldn't imagine sharing myself or him with anyone else. Just the thought of him flirting with someone else hurts me, let alone allowing him to have a second girlfriend. I already know how it's going to make me feel. I will feel jealous, insecure, inadequate, and pretty much every negative feeling that you'll feel when your partner decides to cheat on you.

But I was intrigued. Not because of the number of lovers that you can have, but because of the realization that my boyfriend would only ever be intimate with me the moment we decided to tie the knot. (yes we planned to) I've wanted him to explore his options before he even proposed to me so I could keep his eyes from wandering around once I can officially call him mine.

I guess that decision was partially half of a selfless thought and half of my insecurities talking.

And so, when I heard about this other option, I figured, "Why not?"

Little did I know that after my boyfriend and I decided to commit to this new set of relationship, the way I view love has significantly changed ever since.

Being polyamorous has opened up my ability to love more than one person without judgment, nor the feeling of ownership or control over others

I used to think that it isn't possible to share your heart and love equally, but apparently, we are just too accustomed to the normalcy of monogamy that we didn't even see this as another option. As humans, we are multifaceted. There is no way we can be satisfied in loving and receiving love from just one partner for our entire life. And as someone who has been in several long-term monogamous relationships, I can totally relate to this. I have to admit, that even though I've always loved one partner at a time, I couldn't help but to have a crush for another guy at least once in every relationship. (raise your hands if you know what I'm talking about 🙋🏻)

It forces me to be more honest about my feelings too; not just to others, but to myself as well.

When you're dating more than one person, you'll have to juggle the feeling, schedule, boundaries, and the do's and the don'ts of your partners and yourself. If any of you feel unhappy or uncomfortable with something, you'll have to communicate it as soon as possible, or it will affect your other relationship (or perhaps your partner's second or third relationship). Sounds complicated, eh? Haha.

Well, if you think trying to communicate with one partner is tricky, try getting two partners to be on the same page lol.

However, despite all the good stuff that I've written here, I'm not saying that polyamory is the best option for everyone. It's not a cure-all medicine for the lack of intimacy of your relationship. In fact, if your relationship is already ridden with lies and lack of communication, opening it up for polyamory will only make it worse. Instead of increasing intimacy, polyamory will force you to deal with the emotion or issues that you two have been sweeping under the rug.

Because the path of polyamory requires a certain level of emotional maturity to resolve your insecurities. It faces you with your deepest darkest fear about your relationship.

What is it that you're afraid of if your partner is attracted to another woman? Are you worried that she will take away your partner's attention? Are you concerned that your partner will love her more than you? Or does the image of them being intimate with one another can trigger a hidden trauma of yours?

These are the bitter truth that needs to be communicated at all times in a polyamorous relationship.

It sounds difficult, isn't it?

But I can tell you that once you get the hang of it, being polyamorous can be quite liberating. I have stopped limiting myself from the amount of love that I can give or receive to and from others. My objective of loving someone is no longer limited to whether I can have a relationship with them anymore. I can fall in love romantically with a guy that I will probably never get to see again until next year. But at the same time, I'm free to fall in love with a good friend of mine as well.

I don’t have to worry about putting all of my expectation to just one person and pausing my heart from loving someone because a committed relationship isn’t likely to happen between us.

It takes a lot of practice to stay in a constant state of love. But above all, it should start by being honest with yourself. Get this, the more I know how to deal with how I feel, the easier it is for me to focus on the feeling of love, not obsession or possessiveness. And honestly, we could never control anyone we love anyway because we never own them in the first place.

But if you ask me, "Do you want to be a poly forever?" My answer is, I don't know. As of now, I'm just enjoying this ride of romance in relationships. Maybe I'll go back to being monogamous at one point in my life. Or maybe never, who knows?

All I know for now is that the only thing I want is to fall in love and be in the present for it. Over and over again. Just giving my all, one lover at a time.


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Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.