Personal Essay

Love Is Not The Same In Your Twenties (And That’s A Good Thing)

girl with lights in the dark

When I was in my early teen, I thought an adult relationship is something that comes straight out of the Titanic movie. It would be a relationship that involves two lovers, who solemnly sworn to love each other with utmost respect and trust. They would hold hands only in private, not in public because PDA is for teens. They don’t do baby talk, they drink wine in fancy wine glasses, and they would discuss politics instead of memes. I observed how the adults in my family exhibited their deep affection for each other, and I was hopeful that one day I get to be as mature as them.

But here I am, in my mid-twenties, and I could say that my childhood fairy tale is fairly ruined. I’ve been through different types of relationships, and nothing fits exactly to what I had dreamed about.

My favorite dates have always involved a casual wine drinking session by the park while gulping the entire cheaply designed bottle and filling our drunken face with Pringles. If we have no place to fool around, we will sit by the park, casually biting each other’s lips for everyone to see.

Our conversation’s highlights are dog memes and animal videos because business and politics seem to stand beyond our callow interest. It seems as if a few years have passed, but our way of courting is stuck in our teenage years.

But sometimes, it feels good to stay juvenile. I can’t imagine how sterile my relationship would be if I can’t make poop jokes with my significant other. I want someone to make love with, but I wish he would also enjoy a belly high-five with me. We would finish each other’s sentence, and we wouldn’t mind doing baby talk with our friends around.

In the end, love isn’t about how you display it in front of others. It’s about what suits your fancy. If the adult way doesn’t work for you, it’s okay to do your own thing. Love is non-judgmental. It’s pure, regardless of the gross couple nickname you two give to each other. It is not their place to judge us, nor it’s our right to judge other couples around us.

So fall in love, make a fool out of yourself, and don’t be afraid to stay young!

*I originally published this article in Thought Catalog.

Photo by Clay Banks - Unsplash


Foxglove Tarot Bali

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

What does it feel like to turn 26? PS: It's awesome!

foxglove tarot reader reading bali indonesia

Thank you for the birthday wishes, Witchlings!

So sorry if I haven’t gotten the chance to reply to everyone but hopefully this new blog post can help to pardon my laziness hahah.

So I’m turning 26 years old a few days ago on 24th September 2016, and a lot of things had happened since last year. Time flies so fast, I still feel like I'm 23 years old now. To be honest, I used to think that I would have my own house or my own babies by now, but I guess we are all just struggling with our millennial dreams. Sigh.

I’m not sure if I have written this anywhere else, but my 2015th birthday was spent worrying on whether I’m going to get a job in Singapore. Each year, I am convinced that my birthday is always going to be miserable. In 2014, I had a really amazing party with my good friends in Singapore, but I ended up crying with one of my friends when she told me that she had been raped by her relative. In 2013, my ex broke up with me a few days before and decided to throw a fit during my birthday party. I ended up cutting my hands in my room when everyone else was partying outside. I couldn’t seem to remember what happened before 2012 since my memory is pretty short term so I guess it’s pretty fucked up too. In short, I have experienced this misfortune and birthday drama way too often that I have set my happiness bar really low whenever September arrives.

But enough with the sad stories, every year can be a hopeful year too! I always look forward to experiencing “first times”, you know, new things that you encounter or learn every year. And so far, 2016 has been really kind to me, kinder than any of my birthdays before that. Here are the “first times” that I have experienced so far: 

1. I started Foxglove Tarot. 🔮 ✨

Highlight of the year! Here’s to many more years working as an online tarot reader in Bali. 😇

2. I moved to Bali + with my boyfriend. 🌴

I’ve written here earlier about the reason why I moved to Bali, and I still can’t believe that I’ve been living that dream for the past 7 months. We were like a couple who eloped to escape the hustle and bustle of the city life. But our life here is perfect, and it’s probably the happiest state that I have ever experienced in my usual sad and sour life. Thank you, Gods and Goddesses. 😃 

3. I started writing weekly astrology column. ♎️

Again, dreams come true! I’ve always wanted to be able to work as an astrology writer and this year I have pushed my limit to start learning astrology. It was really hard at first. I kept on having crazy headache because my intuition is forced to seek information beyond the usual comfort zone. But I got there, and it’s been easy peasy since. 😉 I've actually written for a few medias before, but now I’m only writing for one. Read my Tarotscope column in Magdalene here.

4. I learned to surf. 🏄

Hahahah this sounds really lame, but I am honestly scared of death by drowning. It seems more painful than car crash and shooting bullets to your brain to be honest. But my boyfriend learned to surf recently so I was convinced that surfing seems pretty doable. I had two runs and honestly, I think with more practice I’ll be able to master this so my boyfriend won’t hangout with other surfer girls. #relationshipgoals #dontmesswithscorpiomoon

5. I started my first silver jewelry line - COVEN

I was about to launch this a few weeks ago but I got in a bike accident which injured my hands pretty bad so I kind of have to postpone it. Ugh. But anyway, COVEN is basically a spell-crafted silver jewelry with various manifests depending on your needs. Our first collection is a 5 element charm bracelet - Earth, Fire, Water, Wind, and Spirit. It was my first time designing my own line and it was a really fun project despite the lack of experience. Check the full collection here: ✨  www.covencurio.com ✨

6. I had my first bike accident. 🤕

A week before my birthday I accidentally crashed my bike with another bike. I didn’t get heavily injured, but my trigger finger is still swollen and it took me two weeks until I am able to drive. Bummer. But anyway, lesson learned. Next time I would be a lot more patient on the road and not rushing too much.

8. I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and I finally got diagnosed. 😇

I’ve always known that there’s something wrong with my psyche but just the thought of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist freaks me out. This year, I gave myself a personal birthday present: a visit to a psychiatrist to get myself diagnosed. And apparently, I have Bipolar Disorder type 2. So what is it exactly? Don’t worry, I will write more about it and how I’ve survived it so far without meds despite the constant rush of hypomanic state and suicidal thoughts. And now, I’ve been taking mood stabiliser meds ever since in the hopes of getting better. Wish me luck, guys!

9. Surprisingly, I had a very awesome birthday party! 👯

🎧  Cue: Celebrate by Kool & The Gang 🎉

Thanks to my Ubudian buddies, Kintan & Feby, my birthday this year has become one of my favourite birthdays ever! Thanks for spending amazing 2 days with me on amazing lunch, dinner, going to abandoned place, and dance. I love you guys so so so much! 

10. I've learned to be grateful and to go with the flow. 

In my opinion, this is probably the best thing I've learned so far in 2016. 2014 and 2015 was filled with so many exciting things, I got to travel to Japan, Australia, house party hopping every weekend, meeting new exciting friends, but I wasn't really content with what I had. In Bali, me and my boyfriend are trying our best to live humbly and to spend as less as possible. We gave up our flashy big city life for a rural life simplicity. We learned, that the best way to be happy is to accept who you are and what you have without complaints. It's great to stay hopeful, but if things don't happen exactly the way you want it to be, adapt. I've learned this the hard way on 2015, and still I am grateful for the experience.


And now, after the gratitude list, I’d like to make a wish for 2017. Next year I’ll look back at this list and hopefully I’ll get to cross some of them! 

Things that I’d like to happen before my next birthday:

1. Save enough money to buy a property 🏡

I’m a little bit tired of moving around, honestly. I want to find my own home somewhere, whether it’s Jakarta, Bali, or Singapore, I just want to save enough money to buy a space that I can call as my own. Please please Universe, make this happen.

2. Get married, BUT NO BABIES YET PLEASE 👫 ❤️

After so many trials and errors, I am happy to say that I have found my perfect match (omg this sounds like I’m shopping for a liquid foundation lol). I love him, and I love how happy I am around him. Hopefully we’ll get to plan something out next year. Hopefullyyyyy.

3. Just staying stable. ☺️

My mood has been pretty stable the past one year. Sure, I have one of those depressive moments but I barely have episodes. And I only cut my wrist like what, twice only? Every year I’m getting more and more stable and I am hopeful that I can be a lot more stable than this year. You can do this Canti! 😃


Foxglove Tarot Bali.jpg

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

the comfort in reinventing yourself

dried tree near window in yellow light

It’s not our fault to feel uncomfortable in our own skin. We can’t choose where we want to be born, what kind of family we were born into, what kind of person we are, or even which gender. We had no control of our starting line, resulting in a coping mechanism in form of self-reinvention.

Sometimes I despise my own reflection for being less perfect than some of my peers. I wish my hair is silkier, my skin is fairer, and my nose is pointier; one reason why finding the right angle for selfie is pivotal to me. However, physical form is unlike a translucent soul that can be enriched and purified at all times. I do not enjoy the thought of putting myself under the knife. Hence, I choose the mildest option; wearing makeup whenever I go out. To me, the purpose of wearing make up is not to attract those men across my table. It’s empowering in a strong yet subtle way, allowing me to finally strut around with pride. If I don’t wear it, I look tired, when in reality I am perfectly awake. I also love how makeup helps me to convey different personalities depending on my mood. When I’m feeling sweet, I dab on a pink lipstick. Foxy mood, on the other hand, deserves a nice Russian Red smooch. I’m sure I’m not the only one who likes to bask in this momentary personalities.

My friend, on the other hand, reinvented himself by pretending to be a confident and bubbly man in the presence of others. In reality, he’s an awkward one. He joked one time that the concept of male ego does not apply to him because he sees himself as ‘worthless’. I disagrees with him every time because despite how he perceive himself, he’s not a closeted introvert. His actual self is the confident and the bubbly man who everyone sees (including me). He was not trying to reinvent himself, he’s just letting his inner self shine.

He made me realise how multifaceted humans are. You think you’re putting on that makeup because you want people to see you as the beautiful girl you are. Well, guess what, you are. You think you’re wearing all black to convince everyone that you’re a gothic one. It’s probably your current phase / mood or one of the multifaceted face of yours. The point is, you’re never anyone but you.

Reinventing ourselves is a form of breaking through the shell created by our environment to be our truest self. To be beautiful, to be gay, to be outgoing, whichever faces you are going with, do it if it makes you comfortable in your own skin. Nobody is living your life but you, and life is too short to live with pretence.

Photo credit: Sam X - Unsplash


Foxglove Tarot Bali

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

you can't make everyone like you

girl in lingerie with flowers

As humans, we constantly crave to fit in. We are collective creatures, obsessed with the idea that finding our tribe is essential to our growth.

When we first dip into our very first taste of society, we will encounter two types of people. The first, those who are so similar to us it feels that the friendship has transcended a lifetime. The second, individuals who come from different backgrounds - who are so different to us that it can result in two different ways. They can be the missing puzzles of our monotone life, however, they can also completely reject our existence in their community - and that’s okay because we can’t make everyone like us. 

I was never a popular kid in primary school. Or maybe I was, for all the wrong reasons. Growing up I realized that partially the reason of why I wasn’t really likable or popular with friends was because I was an indigo. Indigo children are kids who are born with strong purple/indigo aura as a result from their active third eye chakra. Despite their heightened senses and high intelligence level, these children emanate a weird vibe that ticks everyone around them; making them the odd one out. They have ADHD, they get frustrated easily, and they have trouble communicating what they want, as they are often born in dysfunctional families.

As a result, indigo children often experience bullying at school and the only people that can connect with them are those who stand with them on the same level of frequency. Due to this inability to adapt, indigo children are prone to experience mental illness, such as depression and anxiety. And if you’re an indigo like me, don’t bother trying to make people like you. Because you are just going to stuck in the loop of (I want people to like me) -> (I change myself for them) -> (They like me) -> (I’m unhappy because I can’t be myself) -> (Going back as the real me) -> (Mocked for being weird) -> (Depressed) -> and repeat.

What I have realized so far is that everyone is different. What is considered right for them is probably not right for us. Similarly, if we can’t accept some people in our comfort zone, there are also people who feel the same way about us. No matter how hard we try to fit in, we won’t be able to fit because they have their own set of standards or requirements that do not suit our tenets. Even if we finally change our true self to meet their demand it would not bring us any happiness. This is something that you shouldn’t worry too much about because it’s okay not to be friends with everyone.

To be at peace is to accept the world as it is. Differences enrich our life and it is our challenge to balance it. The more we are exposed to the opposite poles the more we develop a better understanding of how the universe works because our life is designed to resemble a wheel of fortune. The hardship in our life is intended to make us humble and grounded because we can’t stay on top forever. Thus meeting people who do not like us, helps us to understand ourselves and our surroundings better. When we realize that not everyone has a liking for us, we start to understand that we are just humans with flaws. We are not perfect. We are not always correct. People will always disagree with us, no matter what. Their feedback helps us to look into ourselves and see which part that we can improve for the better. Not to please everyone, but to become a better individual. 

Just remember to always take a positive note whenever you encounter this situation. Take notice of the things that others dislike about you. See if their feedback is constructive and was meant to help you grow, or was it intended to hurt and denigrate you. If it’s constructive, try to see if there is anything you can improve. On the other hand, don’t take such great lengths in changing yourself to please people who are exceptionally negative about you.

If you don’t like the way they treat you, make sure you don’t treat others the same way. If you really have to be in the same environment as them for quite some time, such as a workplace, school, or even in a family, try to agree to disagree amicably. Minimize as much conflict as possible to keep you at peace. You don’t have to be friends with them, but it’s always a more positive move to become acquaintances. Maybe both of you will change and be good friends in the future? Who knows? But if you really can’t take the pressure, you always have the option to leave or distance yourself temporarily.

Above all, the most important thing is to just be yourself, focus on what makes you happy, and do not let their words take that smile away from you. 

Photo credit: Danielle Santala - Life of Pix


Foxglove Tarot (round).jpg

Hi, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.

the art of letting go

girl on a cliff contemplating
Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.
— Eckhart Tolle

It was in December 2015 when I found my way to ‘consciousness’. I just recently graduated abroad, freshly released and ready to brace the corporate world. When it happened, I had been ‘awakened’ for a few years so the experience was shouldn’t have been surprising for me. Nonetheless, it still caught me off guard like a surprise call from a long distance relative.

I was 13 years old when my third eye chakra first opened. My first experience involved seeing/talking to entities around my area with my childhood friends. Fast forward 6 years later, I started practicing Wicca and divination during my free time. I continue to invest a lot of my time dabbling in spirituality and magick ever since.

But this time is different. It was unlike any of the awakenings I’ve experienced prior to this moment. Life has always been tough on me and I pride myself on being the strongest kind in the family who always put through with any obstacles along my way. So how come I felt so fragile this time? I felt as if the universe was pulling me to an entirely different direction of ‘consciousness’. It felt like I was being burned by a glaring wildfire that destroyed you with all its might and left you with nothing but the feeling of being naked and vulnerable. That’s when I started to hear these familiar little voices.

 

“Persevere, and you’ll rise from the ashes.” That’s what the little voice told me.

 

What followed afterward was a series of odd combinations of the feeling of contentment and discontentment. I was exceptionally unhappy with my career life regardless of what I have achieved and worked towards. Everything felt superficial and meaningless, thus I felt unhappy at most. At the same time, I started to be more aware of the simple things in life. Like that warm humid sunny day that I used to complain about? I enjoyed bathing in it now because it made me feel alive. Or the honest smile from the lady behind the counter? She made my day felt so much better with her smile. It’s baffling isn’t it, to realize how you are so much in contrast with yourself? The little voice agreed with me.

 

“You need to move to Ubud, Bali, in a few months time.” said the little voice.

 

The little voice didn’t explain what was exactly at the end of the rainbow. But it promised me that it will be a very enjoyable ride, just like how it promised me that I should date my current boyfriend because he’s the ultimate happiness bringer (which he is, to this very date). So I discussed with him about my escape plan. We agreed to follow the little voice this time around and we have decided to relocate in 2-3 months time. We still didn’t understand why until a few weeks later when my life took an extreme turn and I was left with no opportunity to continue my career. I had tried my best, but nothing seemed to work my way. I thought I could get a good shot in career and in life, but I was wrong. It’s as if life played an ironic joke against my will and pushed me straight from the edge of the cliff to follow the little voice’s path. I couldn’t think straight. All I can think about was, if I could ever achieve happiness from this moment onwards.

 

“Chasing things won’t make you happy. Being content, will.” said the little voice.

 

Then, it struck me. I realized what the little voice has been trying to say. What have I been looking for, exactly? Is it happiness? If so, I have been on the wrong path all these years. Happiness has nothing to do with external circumstances. If you think that you’ll be happy once you get a high paying job, a great husband, a big house, then you are following the path of discontentment. I have met successful people who still feel the void regardless of their abundance. On the other hand, some people who have nothing seems to be perfectly happy with their state. Yet they still have the time and money to share with others in need.

True happiness can only come hand in hand with the feeling of contentment. It can only be reached when we let go the need to control everything. When you are content, you start appreciating yourself and you'll be more aware of your surroundings. You’ll stop listening to the other little voice who told you to pursue the best things in life due to its fear of missing out. Yes, that nasty little voice whose existence is the epitome of greed. Once you harness these thoughts, you can finally have a chance at finding inner contentment.

So here I am, on my path towards happiness. I will be moving to Ubud, Bali, in one month time to pursue my passion in spirituality and divination. I’ll be working as a full-time tarot reader, open a crystal and metaphysical shop, and hone my skill in animal healing. There’s nothing but happiness and passion in channeling my creative energy to this project. Sure, there are obstacles to be dealt with, however, I can assure you that everything is worth it.

If you’re reading this, I’m not encouraging you to quit your job and take a leap. You can still do what you need to do to survive. Not everyone has the ability or the resources to leave everything behind, I know. Just remember to listen to the little voice once they decide to tell you to be happy and let things flow. You will be just fine. I’ve followed my little voice, and I can tell you that this is the only point in my life where I finally find true happiness within.

Love and Blessed Be,

Foxglove.


Foxglove Tarot Bali

Hello, I'm Canti!

I am a tarot reader and an eclectic witch living in Bali, providing online tarot reading and blessing service for the mindful soul-searchers. Contact me at www.foxglovetarot.com to book a private counseling session with me.